Sunday, 13 April 2014

Rise of the Machines, Packaging and Legends

Henry's habit is getting worse!
It's that time of the week again when I commit my thoughts to the Internet and present to the world Deans Weekly Blog. Although it's been a slightly depressing week this week as the curse of the machines has reared its ugly head again. I'm sure that I've mentioned this before in a previous blog post, but they do say that history repeats itself. So what has happened? All the machines in the world have united in their endless struggle against the misuse of man and decided to rise against their oppressors and fight back. My hoover the faithful companion of housewife's across the world has decided that being asked to suck up dust is no longer it's primary focus in it's existence. It dreams of a better life lying on a beach somewhere drinking cocktails whilst fair maidens clean around him. Repaying all the years of service the hoover has dedicated to mankind. The reality of it is this though, the motor has decided to pack in and render the hoover useless. I'm afraid it's the big hoover heaven for you my old friend. Also this week, whilst mourning the loss of my friend the hoover. The washing machine felt left out in not receiving it's fair share in my outpouring of emotions. So it decided to throw the belt that spins the drum and join the hoovers fight against the tyranny of man. Well that was it, the machines cannot take me down, for I am human. And I posses the one thing that sets us apart from the rest of the animal kingdom, Tools! so I stripped the washing machine and ordered the parts. Take that machines, man will fight back and reclaim his rightful place at the top of the evolutionary scale

Also this week my oldest enemy and nemesis has re-appeared again and decided to reignite our eternal battle. Maybe it's because I've had my attention elsewhere with putting down the rise of the machines, that it's decided now would be a good time to strike. Who am I talking about again? followers of the blog will know of my life and death struggles with this foe, the battles that we've had have become the stuff of legend. Lute players will sing of our battles throughout the ages and regale their audiences with the songs of battle between Dean and his oldest nemesis packaging. Yes the creator of the packets has risen again. Not content with adding tear strips to packets that don't actually open anything other than leave you with a bit of red tape in your hand. They have now progressed to using the pincer formation in their attack against me. On the left hand side we have sachets that have a little cut already made in one side that clearly says on the packet tear here. So you grab that little sachet and your tear, and tear and tear and tear, until your sachet is a crinkled mess. the top section of course hasn't ripped at all and the contents of your sachet are still intact safe in the knowledge that mere mortals cannot reach them. The newest attack though this week came from the right hand side. Those of you that know me, know that I have been eating better for the past few months and have lost a ton of weight. Irrelevant I know, but I've been eating a lot of soup for my lunch, and I'm particularly fond of a certain brand that comes in a carton. You know the things, like the milk ones you always used to get, that in America they print pictures of missing people on. Hey there's an idea, maybe I could post a picture of my hoover on there! Anyway back on topic, the cartons are designed, and I use this word very loosely for you to pull back the flaps, squeeze the flaps together and hey presto the carton should open. Now as well as sounding like instructions on vagina preparation for virgins, the first thing that usually happens is that the flaps refuse to squeeze together properly. With a bit of prodding and poking you can usually manage to pull them apart, but what happens!. You are still left with a layer of carton covering the opening, almost like some sort of hymen (Another vagina reference) At this point I usually just stab the cartoon with the nearest object to release the fluid contained within (This paragraph has more euphemisms than all the carry on films put together!). Anyway I've decided to take the fight to the packaging overlords and because I am human and at the top of the evolutionary chain, I use TOOLS. more precisely scissors. Now whenever I go to make my lunch I go equipped into battle with a sharp pair of scissors.

No Undertaker ............ No !!!!!!
This week was also for fans of wrestling, the grandaddy of them all. Wrestlemania 30. Now I'm not going too droll on too long about this as I know most of you think that people who like wrestling are fighting some sort of homo-erotic fantasy or something. But I wanted to point out that Wrestlemania is the showcase of the immortals, a place where legends are created. What am I talking about, no I'm not on about Cesaro winning the battle royal, I'm not talking about the beard finally overcoming the odds to become the new champion. No I'm talking about the shocked undertaker guy. The undertaker lost his Wrestlemania streak unexpectedly and the reaction of the fans in the arena was one of pure shock. The camera caught a few faces, and one of them has become a legend in his own right. I'm talking about shocked undertaker guy. An image so powerful it's become an overnight meme sensation. Rarely in a persons lifetime are you there to witness the start of something special, something so powerful. But I was, I've witnessed the birth of a new Internet sensation. Now if only I could become immortalised in a meme .....

I'd like to dedicate this weeks blog to the memory of the Ultimate Warrior who sadly passed away this week. I hope he's returned to parts unknown happy in the fact he'd made his peace. RIP Jim.

Saturday, 5 April 2014

Hello Again, Algebra and Blind Pooing

Bad Dragon !!
Hello people, remember me ... For those of you who are new to this and haven't been here before Welcome. Let me start by introducing myself again to all of you new readers who haven't got a clue who I am or what you're even doing here (I assume by probably typing cats and gif into google). My name is Dean and some might say that I'm a little bit strange, I would describe myself as an Internet pioneer, man of mystery and a sexual Tyrannosaurus, but I'm biased. Anyway now that I'm finally back and writing I suppose I better keep you entertained, I mean that's why you all come here (or is it for the cats?) so what would you like to read about? (As if you actually have a choice) let me delve into my mystic mind of marvellous memories to regale you with fantastical tales about mighty warriors clashing with mystical dragons. Or maybe I'll just write shit about cats and the Internet (again!), It has been a while and I may be a little bit rusty. So what have I been doing whilst I've been away you ask? Many many many things would be the answer and that's all I'm going to really tell you at this point. Besides if I give away all my material in the first few paragraphs, it's going to end up being a rather crap blog (Or more crap than it usually is) Anyway enough of the introductions and let's get to it. Tonight Matthew I'm going to be ..............

2 x X = Y
Remember when you were at school learning algebra and thought to yourself, I'll never use this skill at all in the real world. And you didn't it was quite easy to do your shopping, or cook meals without having to work out complex equations, and life was good. Rainbows and unicorns and candy floss were floating around in our heads, life was simple, life was fun. Then Microsoft developed Excel and you had to use it to do your job, regardless of the job. And now you have to spend your entire life searching through the very depths of your mind trying to remember something that your maths teacher told you years ago about an equation, but can't remember anymore. Years of partying, relationships and bad TV have all got in the way. How am I supposed to remember how to work out an equation to give me the figures I need. I can remember how hot the girl was who sat in maths classes with me. I can remember passing notes around the classroom, and doodling on my exercise books whilst I developed my artistic style. But can I for the life of me remember how to work out the percentage discount of an item from the original sell price. And maybe this was the problem. I was too distracted at school and didn't realise at the time that our maths professor was actually a clairvoyant and could see the future. Or maybe all the maths professors of the world united and joined Microsoft to write a program that would become indispensable in your every day working life just as a big FUCK YOU! to all the children who didn't pay attention in their lessons because the girl across from you had blond hair and you were going to marry her and have babies.

PS I never did.

My worst fears realised
Let me talk about pooing for a moment! (and don't moan my blog is usually fully of shit). Just picture the setting. Your settled in your position, you've adjusted the buttocks on the toilet seat for maximum comfort. You've been sat there just long enough for the toilet seat to have reached the right temperature that you don't have to hover about 3 mm above it. Some people may equip themselves with something to read whilst going through the ritual, a newspaper, a magazine, or like myself take the time to catch up with the world on twitter. You put your best poo face on and go through the procedure (people who have me on snapchat may have occasionally seen my poo face). Plop your business is done and now it's time to wipe yourself and get back on with your day. You hear the door to the toilet block open and this is usually followed by a giggle and then BANG! the lights go out. Yes this is the daily scenario that happens in the office. It's become the prank of choice to wait until someone is just at the critical point of the pooing cycle and then flick the lights of and leave the room. Now you're faced with a major decision. Do you carry on wiping in the dark and hope that you do the job adequately, or do you open the cubicle and waddle to the light switch at the other end of the toilets with your pants round your ankles waddling like some uncomfortable penguin. Luckily my fruit based phone has a torch function on it so I can usually finish up the deed and be on my way, but if you haven't got your phone on you then it can be a problem. The problem is, as uncomfortable and as awkward as this is, it's still one of the funniest gags around. Although it pails into insignificance against the plot to convince the cleaner that she's hearing voices (But that's another story)

Anyway that's me, this has been my blog and if you like what you read you can find me on various social media outlets

Snapchat @kesinik
Instagram @kesinik

Sunday, 3 March 2013

Wikipedia Surfing, Extreme Dean and Minecraft

Oh no it's happened again
Well hello, fancy seeing you here again, have you come for the entertainment. After the previous weeks poor showing, I'm surprised you returned. But hopefully I'll make this weeks blog post at least a little bit entertaining. So where do we start this week, well funny you should ask that, as that's a question that I have been asking myself all week. And more importantly how did we end up here! I'm not talking about the birds and the bees, we all know that a bird makes love with a bee and gets stung and dies, at least in my experience it does, no what I'm actually on about is my new hobby. It's not an intentional hobby, or even a creative one, in fact if anything it's quite time consuming and definitely annoying. What is this hobby, it's Wikipedia surfing. What usually happens is that I look up an article about something that I'm interested in, or need to research, and after a million different pages, I end up at a completely different and irrelevant article. The worst part about this is that I often wonder how the hell I got there, and can't seem to logically trace my path. Maybe i should write some sort of Internet surfing flowchart, so I know what the hell I've been doing when I find myself still sat at the computer 4 hours after I started. I would imagine it would make fascinating reading, either that or completely pointless and time consuming. For next weeks blog I'll hopefully try and map one out for you all to read.

Going to the shops will never be the same
One of my American friends came up with a throwaway comment this week and called me "Extreme Dean", this set my mind racing with the possibilities that this could present. So with a little thought and some of my patent madness thrown in, I've come up with a future feature for the blog, but in the medium of video. Bear with me on this while I explain the concept. Extreme Dean will be short video skits featuring me "Dean" doing everyday tasks and jobs, the only difference is that I'll try to do them as extreme as possible. Imagine seeing me washing the dishes, but in an extreme style, with scolding hot water, or using half a bottle of washing up liquid, imagine EXTREME. I'm even having the artwork designed as we speak for the videos, so keep an eye out on our you tube channel for the first instalments of "Extreme Dean". You never know I might even make more than 3 videos before I get bored of the idea, or I don't have time anymore (I thought I'd mention this to save you all the bother of commenting)

Nearly finished
Those of you who have been reading this blog for a while (And if you haven't, they are all available in the archive section, so get reading) you will remember that I used to be Doncasters top paper folder, well times have progressed and I no longer fold paper in my spare time, I now have turned my constructive talents to building massive project in minecraft. As you can see from the image, my last complete project was the Starship Enterprise NCC1701A, you can find a full video tour of the ship on the gamer 4 life you tube channel, linked above. For the record, I never designed the build, it was built from a schematic that I downloaded. I'm currently on with another project which will be revealed later. The point of all this rambling (There actually is one this week) is that instead of the papercraft links that were on my download page, I'm going to put the minecraft schematics that I have built up there for other people to download and construct. Plus I'll put the link in for the program to read the schematics, so be sure to check the page and download your copy.

As a final treat for all my readers, seeing as how my last blog was so poor, here's one of my favourite Harlem shake videos for you all to look at, and ponder wtf.

That's it for this week, and I'll see you all again soon, and remember "if you're going to do something, do it extreme"

Sunday, 17 February 2013

Valentines, Bacon Pancakes and Early Ends

True, very true!
Hello everyone and welcome to the latest edition of Deans Weekly blog, the blog that is technically named incorrectly, as last week I didn't write a blog post. I apologise for this oversight, and you can punish me accordingly, yes punish me! PUNISH ME! as an excuse all I can offer is that real life got in the way again, contrary to popular belief I don't spend my entire existence looking at pictures of cats on the Internets, and due to a rather messy house, and a shit load of washing and ironing with my name on it, last weeks blog never happened. This my friends is the joys of single life. On the plus side though, this past Thursday on valentines day I never had to run around like a mad man, trying to find the right gift for the love of my life. Then being in the doghouse because although you're a man, and you don't really do shopping or understand the subtle difference between things, you ended up buying the wrong shade make-up or the wrong perfume fragrance. I never had to try and get some flowers only to find that most places had sold out, and you could only get a few roses from your local petrol station, that frankly look as though they have been placed in petrol instead of water. I never had to try and find that card that says exactly how I feel about you, but end up picking one that ends up comically asking for a blow-job. No I never had to do any of these things at all. Is it a sad life being single, sometimes yes. But on days like valentines day, I'm quite glad I am.

Also this week it was the national institution that is pancake day, now I know that pancake day historically has its roots in the lent season, but I love the fact that they have their own national day, and virtually every household across the country dug the frying pans out and were making pancakes. Of course on the other hand, the fact that it was pancake day meant that all across the social networks, tosser jokes and pictures of pancakes proliferated. It's almost as big as the day itself, national make a tosser joke day. The greatest thing about this pancake day though, was that it gave me the opportunity to combine my love of pancakes, with my love of all things random on the Internet. For those of you out there that don't know me, or follow our gaming page Gamer 4 Life (And why don't you, if we have a zombie Apocalypse then you'll not be on the list of people to save, and you'll end up getting ravaged by hordes of flesh eating zombies) you may not have seen the Adventure Time video that has sparked an Internet phenomenon, bacon pancakes. Anyway after months of singing the bacon pancakes song, it was finally the opportunity to put it into practise and try them. Now for most Americans it probably doesn't seem strange at all, in fact I think that they eat them quite regularly as part of their breakfast routine, but for the English and their rigid ways, the mix of pancakes and bacon seems abhorrent. If it isn't lemon juice and sugar then we generally don't want to know, the fact that shops are filled with little squeezy plastic lemons for the whole month of February, but you can't find a tub of maple syrup anywhere shows how un-imaginative we are. Anyway I made some pancakes and had them with bacon, and the upshot of it all, they were absolutely gorgeous and will now form part of my yearly pancake routine. And after all this rambling, here is the video that started it all off.

Right I'm going to end this weeks blog early as I'm running out of time, I need to get the housework done before going to the gym this afternoon. So I bid you all farewell, and maybe next week I'll get up a little earlier and manage to get a full blog post written.

Sunday, 3 February 2013

Hospital, Carrier Bags and Sharing

This teddy was waiting for hours!
Wow another week has flown by and it's Sunday already, which must mean it's time for another addition of Dean's Weekly Blog, the blog that is in no way SEO optimised. Well what an interesting week I've had. On Wednesday I spent about three hours in our local A&E department (No not for me). Lewis has torn his knee ligaments whilst playing football, so the club stretchered him of the pitch and called and ambulance which took him to hospital. He'd been waiting for nearly two hours before I got there from work, and it was at least an hour and a half after I got there that he was seen. Now my major gripe here isn't with the NHS, I must admit that we have one of the best health care systems in the world. And my gripe wasn't with the staff, as it was clearly very busy that evening. My biggest gripe was with the patients. There seemed to be two major categories of patient sat in the waiting room. Those who were genuinely in agony, with dismembered body parts, or injuries. Or those that decided to go to their local A&E because the GP surgeries were shut, and they needed to renew their prescriptions for paracetamol. The point is that the major delays were caused by a lot of people who really didn't need to be there. So next time you cut your finger whilst slicing the carrots, don't go rushing to hospital because it's a major emergency, it isn't. It's a little scratch, put a plaster on it and man up. You aren't going to die, but you can stop those who genuinely have life threatening injuries from being left to wait for no reason.

Would you like a bag for that sir?
Also this week, whilst shopping I got accosted again by the scourge of the supermarkets. What am I talking about, I'm sure you've all met her. I mean the carrier bag Nazi. You know the ones I mean. You go to the checkout with a trolley full of shopping and they ask you if you have your own carrier bags, which lets be honest unless your my mum, no-one carries around twenty five carrier bags in case they want to do the weekly shop. So you have to ask for some carrier bags. Now normal till operators will just place a pile of carrier bags at the end of the checkout for you to fill with your shopping after it has been scanned. But the carrier bag Nazi will only give you three carrier bags, even though she can see the amount of shopping you have placed on the conveyor belt. And when you've filled those carrier bags with the first few items and have to ask for some more, she looks at you like you've asked to piss on her kids. I mean come on, it's not as if by giving me enough carrier bags to place my shopping in the company will go bust, The checkout assistant won't suddenly be fired for breaking the company carrier bag policy. The world won't spontaneously combust due to the amount of carrier bags you use. Besides what are the alternatives, what are you supposed to do with all your shopping? would you like some carrier bags sir?, No thanks, I'll just teleport them direct into my cupboards from here thanks! or maybe, no thanks I'll get my army of monkeys to carry all my shopping direct to the car, but thanks for your offer. NO, of course I want some carrier bags, how the fuck am I supposed to get my shopping out of the store without them!

 I know it's not my usual sign of piece, but whilst trawling the internet this week, I came across this fantastic gif, and thought that I'd share it with all of you. It pretty much sums up everything so enjoy I did.

That's it for my rantings this week, why not join me again next week, when I'll probably get annoyed with something else and rage about it on the Internet. Peace out mother bitches!

Sunday, 27 January 2013

Hulk Hogan, Masturbation and Lolcats

What ya gonna do !!!
Morning, and welcome to this weeks edition of the blog that everyone is talking about, well when I say everyone I actually mean just me, but I often agree with myself that it's quite good now and again. So this week has seen my start my life plan for 2013 in earnest. I've joined a gym and I've been twice already this week. I've been saying for ages that I could do with getting fit, and now I've actually started my regime. Don't get me wrong when I say that I'm aiming to have a body that would be welcome in the WWF, I'm looking more at a Giant Panda, than Hulk Hogan. Although I must admit, even at my age, I find wrestling entertaining, and before the Internet turns on me, no I'm not a mark. I know that professional wrestling is staged and scripted, but that doesn't stop me enjoying it and being an active part of the IWC. So I still have images in my mind of me being oiled up and flying from the top rope of a wrestling ring. It's never to late, even to this day Hogan is still in the ring. Just gotta keep at the gym!

Spreadsheeeeeeeeeit !
This week at work, I've proved an old wives tale completely wrong. The problem is I don't know how to go about changing it. The old wives don't have a website you can log on and edit the tales, like you can on Wikipedia. They don't run a magazine that gives you an address that you can write into to change the details of a tale. Hell who are the old wives anyway? if they were that important maybe they should have their own show in the daytime....... Thinking about it for a second isn't that what loose women is about. In fact maybe I've stumbled on to their secret identities and Jakki Brambles and co are in fact the old wives of legend who write these tales. Anyway I digress (again as usual), what am I talking about? Well I'm sure you've heard the old wives tale that masturbating makes you blind. Well it's wrong, the actual cause of blindness is excel spreadsheets. After pouring over multiple spreadsheets this week, I can honestly say that I've gone blind. It sends your eyes funny repeated use of the spreadsheet, and should come with a health warning. Whereas masturbation as far as I can tell is perfectly normal and harmless, unless you do it in public, but that's a different story. Anyway after all this rambling the point of the story is that next time your boss comes up and asks you to do a spreadsheet, say no! It's dangerous to my health, I could go blind instead I'm going to masturbate. I'm sure he'd understand.

You can see us in our new exhibition 
Also this week I came across a news story that tickled me, no not the news that Mr Tickle is now doing web cam tickles on line, no this The Internet phenomenon that is the lolcats is now having it's own arty farty exhibition in that there London town. For those of you who aren't children of the Internet let me explain what lolcats are. The Internet it is often said is owned by cats, this is true in it's purest form by the amount of pictures of cats on the Internet. What the lolcat meme is all about is taking these pictures of cats and adding cute, spelt wrong text which usually insinuates that the cats are all powerful and rule the world. And on the Internet, they do!. Any way, I still think it's brilliant that Internet content is finding it's way into everyday life. What ever next? which Internets culture will invade everyday life next? we've had the trololol guy song in adverts, and now lolcat art exhibitions. Maybe it will be the grumpy cat talk show. In fact i recommend that BBC three commission it right now, it'd be better than half the crap they show on there!

Well that's me done for today, time to attack the pile of ironing that awaits before I go to the gym. And if I'm lucky maybe a figure four leglock on the gym gimp.
Bye !!

Sunday, 20 January 2013

Chicken Heads, Killer Fish and Snow

I wonder what that could be ??
Good morning, or if you're reading this at a different time of day then good ......... (insert period of day here), and welcome to another edition of Deans Weekly Blog. So what's been happening this week in this crazy mixed up world? Well the first story of the week that grabbed my attention was the story about the woman that got more than she bargained for when she went to that famous high street chain of restaurants that likes to put Mc in front of their dishes on the menu. If you read the news then you will have seen the photo's of the newest item on the menu the McChickenhead. If you haven't I've posted the photo here for you to look at. The thing is you can clearly see that it's a chicken head. There is nothing else in the world that it could possibly be, so how did it end up in this poor woman's box of chicken nuggets. Think about it for a second. Someone has coated the head in breadcrumbs, someone has put the head in the fryer, someone has taken the head out the fryer, and someone has served the head with the rest of the nuggets. And this is the problem. This restaurant is well known for employing, shall we say, below average workers with the intelligence of the things that they are frying (Except chicken heads of cause because they are clearly smarter). While ever you employ retards things like this will happen. I'm all for helping the less fortunate, but not putting them in positions of trust when they clearly can't even get themselves dressed correctly, let alone correctly identify the parts of a chicken that should and shouldn't be coated and fried.

I'm not putting it in there no way!
This week I've been watching some documentaries on the TV, and I came across the possibly scariest animal that I've ever seen. No it's not a giant spider, that puts Boris (The big spider who used to live in the outdoor toilet block at my dad's garage, and used to pass you the toilet roll) to shame. No it isn't a snake with deadly venom that turns your insides into a milkshake. It isn't even a giant predator like a lion, or a tiger or a bear. What is it? I hear you ask (unless you've already looked at the picture and then you can see what it is) It's a Pacu which is a fish that is found mainly in south America and is a relative of the piranha. What makes this fish so scary though is the fact that it can grow to about 4 feet in length, it has human teeth that can tear and bite and it is slightly homosexual!. How can a fish be homosexual? I hear you ask (unless you've googled that question before) well lets just say that this fish has been know on numerous occasions to take a mouthful of cock every now and then. It apparently attacks the soft appendage, tears and bites the damn thing of leaving the person screaming in agony and bleeding to death. Now that's some scary shit (I bet that every man winced when I wrote that, and a few women too). I'm really glad I don't live in the amazon basin (and that isn't the washroom at the giant on line retailer, although I would imagine it could be quite a nice place to live with clean stalls, and a man who offers you a mint after you've had a pee) what with Piranha that can strip flesh off bone in seconds and the Pacu that has a taste, and likes to bite off gentleman sausages. I'm glad I live where I do, where the scariest thing you'll find in the river is a used tampon floating towards you.

Also this week if you look out of your window you will probably see a lot of white stuff on the ground. Unless your Kate Moss, then it will be on the table next to the mirror. What I can never understand about this country is that you would think that it has never ever snowed before. It's all that anyone has talked about all week. Social media has been full of people discussing the pros and cons of snow, and the fact that it is snowing. It's been driving me mad to be honest. You know when you are put in an awkward situation with someone that you don't really know, so you chat about the weather etc. It seems the entire country has been doing that this week. Now I'm not bashing those people that have, it's more a rant against those that act as if they haven't seen snow before. Let me straighten a few things out for you all. We live in a relatively cold country as we are quite far away from the more temperate zones near the equator. Thus in winter it gets cold, which usually results in ice and snow. Hence countries further away from the equator are even colder and it snows even more there i.e. the poles. In the summer it gets warmer so you don't get snow. Simples and if you don't understand that, I hear that they are taking on staff at the restaurant that fries chicken heads.

That's it for this week, so until then keep safe and don't go in the water.